At 4:42 AM my alarm clock beeped exactly 1.5 times before I smacked the snooze button and fell back into my deep-sleep coma. At 4:51 AM, the alarm beeped 3 more times before I regained the energy to hit the snooze button again. By 4:59 AM, I was already awake and glaring at the clock, mentally daring it to beep a third time. Sure enough, at 5:00 AM the tiny box squeaked out a noise and I simultaneously swatted the whole clock in an attempt to silence it. Instead, I hit the radio dial and had to listen to Steve Harvey laugh obnoxiously at max volume before I was able to yank the cord out of the wall and watch the digital numbers fade away. As I rolled out of bed and stumbled into the kitchen I was already in an “I hate the world” mood.
Screw you world! I’m going to exercise!
As I scarfed down a banana, I glanced out the window to the familiar 3 feet of snow in the backyard. A quick glance out the kitchen window revealed that my car had been plowed into the driveway again. If I was going to make it to yoga class this morning, I would have to walk.
Assuming that the weather scene unfolding outside my window couldn't be as bad as it looked, I quickly checked the weather according to the internet and learned that, although the temperature was positive (9 degrees), the “feels like” barometer was at -7 degrees.
Screw you polar vortex! I’m going to exercise!
At 5:20 AM, wearing multiple layers of clothing and carrying my yoga mat under my arm, I did my best figure skater impersonation and walked/slid on ice for 25 minutes to get to the Bikram yoga studio 1 mile away. With moments to spare before the 6 AM start time, I wiped away the snot dripping from my nose and shivered out of my clothes.
WHOOSH! The 105 degree heat instantly warmed me when I entered the studio. Flash forward to 3 yoga poses later and I was no longer “warm”; I was melting. As I huffed and puffed to contort my body, the hairy man next to me hit me with a stream of sweat as he flicked his hands together for prayer pose. Meanwhile, I tried to concentrate on myself in the front mirror only to be distracted by the size 12 woman in the front row who was squeezed into size 2 spandex shorts and was flashing her butt crack to everyone NOT in the front row.
Screw you yoga weirdos! I’m exercising!
After 90 minutes of torture I exited the yoga studio with freshly applied winter clothing pressed against the sweaty layer of yoga garb stuck to my body. Without falling on the ice, I made it home safe and sound. I showered, blissfully walked to the kitchen, and sat down for my second breakfast of the day. It was 8:30 AM, I had a whole day ahead of me, and I felt like a fresh, recharged, limber new me. As I sat, I thought to myself:
I love the world! I love life!
This is why I exercise.