Let me share a recent Kmart shopping adventure:
After a frustrating Tuesday last week, I made the decision to walk to the Whole Foods near my house to purchase the ingredients for a made-from-scratch pumpkin pie. I hadn't showered, I was wearing sweatpants, and overall my appearance illustrated that yes, I had had a rough day.
The Whole Foods strip mall was packed thanks to the “20% off everything sale” at the neighboring Kmart. People were going completely bonkers in the parking lot because of the sale, but my trip through Whole Foods was uneventful, and I quickly exited with a small pie-pumpkin tucked under my arm.
Initially, my plan was to immediately walk home so that I could start baking my pie. However, as I stood outside of Whole Foods and watched the uppity Whole Foods shoppers competing for parking spots with the eclectic Kmart customers, I was suddenly propelled to take a detour to Kmart. I needed an adventure and Kmart seemed like the perfect place for an adventure to unfold.
Since it was announced that the store was closing, the 20% off everything sale has been bringing all sorts of people out of their houses (and apparently caves and holes in the ground). Kmart had attracted a wild, and probably slightly dangerous crowd.
I didn't need anything in particular, so I decided to just browse the aisles of the store. Upon entering the doors, I was greeted by an out of shape security guard who was in the midst of protecting a 90% off Halloween costume rack that was being attacked by a swarm of unattended wild children. I’m not sure which was scarier; the wild children, or the fact that Kmart needed a security guard.
I made my way towards the back of the store to look at board games.
As I made my way towards the puzzle section, I encountered a lovely couple testing the comfort of a couch. You are probably thinking, what a smart couple, it’s a good idea to test the comfort level of a couch before you buy it. The key piece of information that I left out is that as they bounced on the seat cushions, THE COUCH WAS ON THE THIRD SHELF OF A SHELVING UNIT! Yeah, they had climbed up there.
I didn't want to witness anyone falling to their death from a Kmart shelf, so I made a sharp right turn towards the women’s clothing. I quickly discovered that women’s underwear were 50% off. I scooped up a package of XL Fruit of the Loom undies for my XL pregnant butt, because let’s be honest, there is no way I’m spending my money on XL fancy panties from Victoria Secret. Part of my life plan is to make my new found girth a temporary, rather than permanent situation, so I don’t see a need for a Victoria Secret investment at this time. Then, remembering a recent fashion discussion with my sister, I avoided the elastic-waist jean section, (my sister would be proud) and I ventured towards the baby stuff.
Here, I added bath toys to my collection of goods. Since, well, I’m pretty sure that when I give birth to a baby in a couple of months the first thing he/she will want to do is jump in the bath and play. Anyhoo...
At this point, I heard a child yelling for help in the distance. The yells were sounding increasingly more panicked, so I walked towards the screams. Guess what I found? Never mind, don’t guess, you don’t have a chance at guessing right.
I found a 4 year old boy stuck in a ball cage. One of these things:
Now, I was ready to leave. I was still carrying my pie-pumpkin and it was getting heavy. It was time for my adventure to come to an end, but first I needed to purchase my new items before I could walk home.
Then the scariest thing happened. I inadvertently saw my reflection in one of those security mirrors shaped like a satellite.
Here’s what I saw: An un-showered girl whose coat, at this point, was too small to zip. She was carrying a pumpkin, a package of XL underwear, and bath toys. Plus, unbeknownst to her, the right pocket of her sweatpants was sticking out. I looked like this:
This is also when I almost cried because Kmart was closing. My Kmart. The place where I obviously fit in. My home away from home. (I’m going to blame this reaction on my pregnancy hormones and the events that had led up to my already crappy Tuesday.)
I needed to leave Kmart before I became a blubbering mess in the middle of the candy aisle.
I made my way towards the checkout lanes and was happy to find a lane with a short line. Of course, this is Kmart we’re talking about, so a short line meant I only had to wait for 15 minutes. I would have only had to wait for 10 minutes if the lady in front of me hadn’t complained about the price of her discounted circus peanuts.
I purchased my items, sped past the broken slushy machine, and made my way out the Kmart doors and into fresh air. I walked home and contemplated my social status and life decisions.
When I got home, I decided to scrap the homemade pumpkin pie idea and instead made this:
I’m going to miss Kmart. Sort of. A little bit.