Hi! This is your future self. Confused? Wondering how you got this letter? Me too! My best guess is that the 80-year-old version of us found this letter in a drawer and time-traveled to 2002 to put it in your mailbox. This is just a guess though, because time-travel is still not readily accessible to minions in 2015. (Yes, you are just a minion.)
Regardless, I have some information to share with you. Are you sitting? You are going to want to sit down for this. I don’t want to sugarcoat things, so I am just going to break it to ya.
2) You have not won the lottery.
3) You are not a millionaire.
4) You do not own a mansion.
5) You do not have billions of adoring fans around the world.
6) You don’t have a personal chef.
7) Your “plan B” of being an ice cream taste tester for Ben and Jerry’s has not worked out.
I know. I know. I know! You didn’t expect to be such a failure.
One more thing: you don’t even own a convertible.
Ok, that was a low blow. I’m sorry.
Where did you go wrong? I’ve had years to think about this. Let me explain:
1) You picked the flute. Honestly, did you really think that you would become a rock star by choosing, nope, VOLUNTEERING to play the flute in high school band? That was the least rock ‘n roll decision ever made in the history of the world.
2) The odds of winning the lottery are much lower than you expected.
3) It’s hard to become a millionaire without winning the lottery.
4) It’s even harder to afford a mansion if you aren’t a millionaire.
5) Billions of adoring fans? Are you serious? THE FLUTE!?!
6) Personal chefs are expensive too. Your food is primarily prepared by you. Gag.
7) I don’t know why your “plan B” failed. This still baffles me. You earned a degree in nutrition for crying out loud! It’s a mystery that Ben and Jerry’s still hasn’t called.
I warned you. Things are rough at age 31.
The good news is, I am willing to share some helpful tips.
1) If you get set up on a date and the guy shows up on a unicycle, run away as fast as you can.
2) If you are jogging, driving, or operating any sort of machinery, you should be wearing your glasses.
3) Surprise! Egg salad sandwiches don’t taste as bad as they smell. Try one.
4) You are allergic to lady bugs. You wouldn’t discover this until you are 25-years-old because that’s how long it takes for a gentle lady bug to muster up the courage to bite a person. It will be embarrassing. Also, take this as further proof that you will never be a rock star.
5) In 2013, get a flu shot. It could help prevent a week of misery.
6) You know how you’re a senior in high school right now and that even though your sister is a sophomore you are in the same math class? Well, I know you are thinking that it will save you some embarrassment if you tell the math teacher that you are twins, but don’t lie. That math teacher will be friends with your future husband, and pretending to have a twin will make things awkward.
7) In 2012, you will take a trip to Las Vegas.
World Series Winner: San Francisco Giants
NBA Champions: Miami Heat
Stanley Cup Winner: Los Angeles Kings
It’s also important to note that even though you have failed to achieve all of your goals, you are happy.
Screw Ben and Jerry’s, you can sort of cook, and you even have your own Cuisinart Ice Cream Maker! Oh, and it might seem like a big deal that you don’t have a convertible, but you do have a moon roof. So there’s that.
Keep doing what you are doing. Trust me, life is good. Plus, it looks like we might be able to time-travel once we hit 80.